DATELINE: HUMOR!

Shaquille’s illustrious career really takes on a roller coaster ride similar to some famous TV series you may remember:

Ladies and gentlemen: the story you are about to hear is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the losers in the 2011 NBA playoffs...

First Period:

In the early days of the NBA, a giant roamed the plain basketball teams, searching for truth and justice.

Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear, when from out of the past comes the thundering hoof beats of the great horse Shaquille!

The Green Shamrock rides again!

Second Period:

Slower than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to jump tall trees in a single bound Look up in the sky. It’s a bird! It’s a plane!  No, it’s Superman Shaq! (Move over, Dwight.)

Disguised as a mild mannered part-time statue and part-time symphony orchestra conductor in a great metropolitan Hub city, he continues to fight for truth, justice, and the American way.

(Shaq was recently made a deputy sheriff in Worcester County, Massachusetts.)

Third Period:

Name: Shaquille O’Neal. Profession: NBA Legend. Destination: Hall of Fame, Springfield, Massachusetts.

Shaquille O’Neal has been tried and convicted for the character assassination of Kobe Bryant. But, laws are made by men, carried out by NBA flaks and hacks.

And men are imperfect. Shaquille O’Neal is innocent. Proved guilty, what Shaq could not prove was that moments before discovering his Achilles’ tendon was hamstrung, he encountered a man with one arm in a Celtics jersey running up and down the court with a lifeless left arm at  TD Garden.

Yes, it was a man with one goal, to help the Celtics win another championship. It was a man Shaq had never seen before. It inspired Shaq to find his own courage.

Shaquille O’Neal ponders his fate as he looks at the world from the trainer’s room. And, he sees only darkness. But in that darkness, fate moves its huge hand.

Shaq will return if a young man with one arm can return.

Shaquille O’Neal is an innocent victim of blind justice, falsely convicted for the collapse of the Celtics, hoping to be reprieved by fate when a train wreck freak injury dogged him en route to the 18^th championship; causing him to hide in lonely desperation, to change his identity, to toil at many jobs; allowed him to search for a Los Angeles Laker he saw leave the scene of the crime; freed him to run before the relentless pursuit of his fifth championship ring, obsessed with his victory.

Fourth Period:

In the locker room of the Boston Celtics comes the booming voice of the Big Shamrock singing:

“Green Gardens is the place for me.
Celtic livin' is the life for me.
Fans spreadin' out so far and wide
Keep Los Angeles, just give me that Bunker Hillside.

Boston is where I'd rather stay.
I get allergic smelling Ko-bay.
I just adore a Garden view.
NBA, I love you but give me 18th Avenue.

...The scores.
...The stores.
...Fresh air.
...Harvard Square

Green Champs, we are there.”

Celtics fans pray for one Last Hurrah from the Big Shamrock! He found the one-armed man, and that inspiration is his teammate.

 Thank you to Dragnet, The Lone Ranger, Superman, The Fugitive, and Green Acres.

If you enjoy the writing of Willliam Russo, take a look at essays on the heroic Celtics point guard in RAJON RONDO: SUPERSTAR! Now available on amazon.com for download to Kindle, computer, or even smartphone.